Life After a Year of Caring

I joined a weight loss community called Sparkpeople.com a year ago today.  I wrote this blog post on the website, and wanted to share it here.  As I was writing, I realized how much my life has changed since then.  I was miserable, homeless, and suicidal.  I have made small steps, baby steps, and now…everything is turned around.  This is what I posted today.

 

I was looking at my weigh in report today, and realized that I started tracking a year ago today. On my spark page it says tomorrow, but you know. Close enough.

I have gained and lost, gained and lost weight since I was 14 or 15 years old. I have lost weight (at different times) through starvation, extreme exercise, running, eating only plant foods (for weight loss only, not health), and just not eating right (without actually trying to starve myself).

This, my friends, is the first time in my 31 years that I am doing everything with HEALTH in mind. It wasn’t just about losing weight this time. It was about changing my life, loving myself, and being healthy. May of 2012 was one of the worst times in my life, and I knew that I either had to start changing my life or just give up. Believe me, I teetered on the edge of giving up for quite a bit. I was killing myself with food anyway, so why not just speed up the process?

I have told everyone I get the chance to about Sparkpeople. It changed my life for the better, not just helped me lose weight. I found out that I’m not the only one who would eat until I was sick, and hate myself, and eat more because I hated myself. It’s not that eating felt good; it felt BAD and I felt like that’s all I deserved. Why exercise? I didn’t care, no one cares. Why bother? I drank ALL the time. I felt bad about myself, felt bad about my life. If you’re drunk all the time, you don’t notice as much. I smoked. Because why not? Who cared. I had all of these friends, but I felt like they were looking right through me no matter how much fun we had. What I had were a bunch of drinking buddies. Not all of my friends, but definitely more than half of the ones I saw on a regular basis… Looking at numbers, I would say I have less friends now than I did a year ago, but all of the friends I do have are amazing and wonderful, they are people that I wouldn’t want to go a day of my life without.

My life has completely turned around. I started small, just watching what I ate. Doing a little bit of exercise here and there. I stopped drinking because the calories were out of control…over 2000 a day some days. That’s no good, I wasn’t supposed to be having more than 1800 on the plan Sparkpeople generated for me. So I cut that out from 4 to 5 days a week binge drinking to once or twice a week to once a month to now, where I have a glass of wine or a beer once a month and I’m done. I slowly stopped smoking, because although working out felt easier, somehow I was still feeling out of breath. I started neglecting friendships that were unhealthy, and somehow shedding friends built my self-esteem. My relationships with people are so much healthier now.

I feel so amazing. I love myself now. I can honestly say this is the happiest I have ever been, and it isn’t caused by an alcohol-induced haze. I am so happy I turned my life around. I’m so happy I found a supportive community in Sparkpeople to help me do it. I’ve lost 63 pounds in the past year, but what I’ve gained in happiness and quality of life simply cannot be measured.

Hey Hot Hiker

I woke up at 6:57 a.m. today, and instead of going back to sleep, I got up and went for a hike. I went to Pinnacle Mountain, and although I got there right before 8, it was already pretty busy. Instead of climbing the mountain itself, I hiked the 3.5 mile trail around the base. The main reason I love hiking is the solitude, and I wasn’t going to get that fighting for the summit with the other 20 people who were there. I had a lovely time, and although it was hot as hell I felt great afterwards. I had a pretty skimpy breakfast so I was a little cranky, but lunch soon quelled that. Although I got an early start to beat the heat of midday, I’m glad I went as early as I did because when I got back to my car at around 9:15 a.m. the parking lot was PACKED. There were picnics and frisbee games, families and barbecue supplies. Newcomers were having to park across the highway in the overflow parking.

Now I’m sitting at home, trying to get a little laundry done and relax. I’m nearly done with an afghan I’m making for my mom, her birthday is Tuesday so I want to knock that out by then.

I have to admit, I’m a little bored. I’m only bored because I chose to come home and enjoy being here alone for once, roommate free. I could find something to do if I really wanted.
I used to always have something going on Friday and Saturday nights, but the things I did and the people I did them with are receding from my life. Things I don’t think are healthy, people I don’t want to waste my time on. Sounds harsh, but I want more from life than what that lifestyle will give me. I’m so much happier now than I was when I was at the center of that world, so even though I had to twice tell old friends “no” today, there’s no regret and no feeling that I’m missing out. They’ve been doing the same thing for over four years now. I don’t think the outcome will be any different.

Besides, I want to wake up feeling energetic and refreshed tomorrow. Knowing me, I may have to go for another hike. How lucky am I, that there are trails and paths through beautiful landscapes a 15 minute drive from my front door?

Happy Free Comic Book Day

Today is free comic book day! Once a year, the first Friday in May to be exact, you can head on down to your local comic book store, and they have a selection of free comics put out by publishers. There’s usually 10-20 to choose from. It’s pretty cool if you’re into that sort of thing. I have a friend who is SO into that sort of thing, and he organizes a group of friends to caravan from store to store every year. We usually hit 3 to 4 store in our area, so it’s an all day deal.
Today, I overslept. They are heading to store three but I haven’t taken a shower yet so I’m missing it. He’s probably pissed but I don’t care. I’ve had a hell of a week and I’m exhausted. We made cookies for it last night, so at least I participated in some capacity!

…And Wednesday Too

Another day, another dollar.  Just one question, please.

If court sentencing is meant as a deterrent, and not as punishment, why would you fine someone who is already stealing their food and clothing?  Won’t they just continue stealing in order to have enough money to pay for their food, clothing, and now they can sell the items so they can pay the fine??  I’m sure there are some people who will stop once they get caught, but that is probably because of the embarrassment, hassle, and fear they go through, not the fine they have to pay.

But on the other hand, what do you do??  How can you deter theft?  You can’t lock everyone up.  It’s left to loss prevention officers and police presence, I suppose.  Surely if someone has had a brilliant idea it would have been adopted by now.

On to other things!  I have a business meeting in another part of the state tomorrow and Friday. I’m excited to go because tomorrow the weather should be nice, and that will make for some beautiful driving.  I also like staying in hotel rooms, call me weird all you want.  Not nasty rooms, of course.  And this hotel has the best breakfast buffet ever.

I feel like I am leveling out, gearing up for school.  Work has been trying, to say the least, for the past few weeks.  I’m having trouble handling all of it emotionally, but I know I can push through.  I should probably start practicing yoga again, it gave me some “me” time in which I would center myself, clear my mind, and get in touch with how I felt physically, mentally and emotionally.  I definitely miss it.

I’m also getting ready for a shift in how I spend my time.  Of course, school will be taking up absolutely ALL of my free time from October to May, but I am going to start rescheduling myself.

First of all, I want to start spending A LOT more time at home.  This is contingent on moving.  As I have mentioned before, I don’t really have much of a nice “haven” where I live now and I crave it.  I want to start cooking everything and make eating out a rarity, this too is contingent on moving.

As for moving, I can finally see it on the horizon.  I feel like I’ve done a pretty good job cobbling together a budget, avoiding extraneous purchases, and in general getting myself to where I need to be to move. I am at the absolute minimum of where I need to be, but for the first time I’m not leaping with my eyes closed when it comes to financial decisions.  I have found apartments that I like, and I hope to be moved in by the time school starts in August.  I would love to get in there sooner, maybe enjoy the summer more, but it all remains to be seen.  I have to get my money together, and my potential roommate has a lot that he needs to accomplish before he can move as well.

One more hour to gym time.  I’m really ready to burn off some steam today.  Here’s to time flying.

Tuesday’s Gray

I have worked as a “lowly Civil servant” for almost three years now, yet wacky things still happen and I don’t think I will ever cease being amazed.  I have been called every name in the book, and I mean good and bad.  I have been threatened, and I have been scared.  Last week, a “crazy” lady accused me of kidnapping her son…who happens to be a stuffed bear.  She stood at the counter and seriously tried to interrogate me.  At the time, I just politely dodged her questioning.  It was a little funny to me, almost like a badly scripted sit-com episode. Today, she was back, raising all kinds of hell, about pretty much the same thing.  I wasn’t in her line of sight today, but nonetheless I had to listen to her yelling and carrying on.

I have been thinking about it since the interrogation last week, and I have to say I am a bit irritated.  Number one, she has some mental issues.  Past police reports have suggested she “follow up with a mental health evaluation”.  To talk to her, this is obvious.  So is she dangerous?  She was definitely combative today.  As she accused me last week, she has accused police officers of burglarizing her home, has accused attorneys of peeping in her windows, other office staff of covering up rapes.  Its all ridiculous, but should we worry?  Is she capable of hurting one of us?  I really don’t think we should have to put up with it, but what do we do?

It’s just been weighing on my mind, and it is definitely bothering me a lot.  Her coming back today aggravated it and now I’m more than a little upset about it.  I’d go as far to say that if I had the option, I would leave over it.  I don’t have the option though; I have expensive school this fall, and several bills to pay.  I don’t have another source of income, a spouse etc.

Just think about that next time you see a disgruntled, rude civil servant.  The person may BE a terrible bitch or a rude asshole.  But you are probably the 157th person they saw that day.  They may have started out super friendly, and in the best mood.  The first, seventh, nineteenth, fiftieth, seventy-eighth, and hundred and third person they saw probably talked to them like they were stupid and subhuman.  They have probably been called names that aren’t allowed on PG television at least twice.  And someone may have already had them on the phone for twenty minutes telling them a story of Lifetime Network proportions.  I can tell you, it gets to you.  It gets to you in a way that you never thought anything could.  You can have thick skin, but if you punch anything with a blade often and hard enough you will make a dent.

Here I Am!

Oh wow has it been a rough week.  I am having the worst allergies yet.  I was taking Claritin, switched to Zyrtec after a Monday morning clinic visit, and will probably switch to a stronger Claritin because I still feel awful.  It could be because of this

Yes, gross, that is a puddle of water scummed over with pollen.  Its been in the 75-90 F range all week, at night and during the day.  However, we are being beaten by storms today and I’m hoping it washes all the pollen away.  Including whatever little spiky devil is making me feel like I’m at death’s door.

After work is workout time, after that is wrestling watching with my pal.  I’m in such a funk right now, but I’m sure it’s nothing but uphill after I get out of the office.  If only the weather would play along…

What’s New With Me?

Not much. I’ve been knitting and going to work. Watching Wrestlemania. Tomorrow is Admitted Students Day at school, so there’s that. What’s up with you?

Rain Don’t Keep Me Down

It’s so gross out, raining or drizzling as well as being in the high 40s.  Just gross.  I need some new black shoes for work, mine have had it and are falling apart.  I have been trying to get enough clothes and shoes that I can use them gently, rather than wearing the same thing over and over again every day.  I have been poor my entire life, and I was always lucky to have something to wear.  I didn’t often donate clothes or shoes because I was getting them from places that get donations, and I would wear things until they were unwearable.  So now, I am trying to be a little more middle class since I am lucky enough to afford it.  Here are my new shoes!

 

 

I like them.  I’m glad tomorrow is Friday, I am going to visit my mother and sister tomorrow.  Tonight, my friend and I are watching Monday’s episode of Raw.  Wrestlemania is Sunday, we are pretty pumped.  I am especially for this match.

My relationship with social media

My relationship with social media.

 

Reblogged from one of my favorite bloggers.  This was so relevant to me, as I am pressured by friends to reopen my facebook account often, or even feel left out of events and information that are only on facebook.  I understand that the social media site makes connections easy and fast, but I think that it is more important to protect our privacy and personal information.

Gloom

Definition:  melancholy, depression

Synonyms:  anguish, bitterness, blues, cheerlessness, dejection, despair, despondency, discouragement, downhearted,  grief, heavy hearted, malaise, misery, sorrow, unhappiness, weariness, woe.

This is me, today.  Yesterday, I was pretty cheerful.  Today, low. So low.  What is it?  The heavy cloud cover? The senseless murder of a Texas court official and his wife?  Loneliness?  Disillusionment?  Money?  Problems at home?  The stress of work?  Disconnect with friends? Chemical imbalance?

Yes.

The worst part, the very worst, is not caring if it gets better.  I do, I don’t want to feel this way.  But feeling this way is like standing on the edge of a knife.  One misstep and I don’t care, one misstep and it doesn’t matter.  Fuck stepping, you may be pushed.

Being angry because its a feeling, and you have to feel something.  Being angry because no one understands.  Being angry because you think no one cares.  So you go, and you start wanting to burn torch bridges.  A friend pisses you off, and you want to go ballistic on them.  But you don’t, not really.  So you reign in that anger, too.  And then it builds up inside.  It builds in your stomach and turns it into a cast iron stove, painful and burning and full of smoke and heat and ash.  It’s anguish and you want to spew the anger at everyone around you, everyone you can touch.

Or it’s fear.  Fear that no one cares or understands.  Fear that you won’t feel better later.  Fear that nothing will change, won’t get better.  Fear that the best is not yet to come.  Fear that you aren’t safe, not ever.  Not in your home, not in public, not in your own bed…not even in your head can you feel safe.  Fear and anger can feel like the same thing, they are like twins actors in a sitcom, playing the part of the precocious child.  You don’t know when they are switched out, who can tell the difference anyhow.  Use the one that’s easiest to contend with for this scene or that.

Sometimes it feels like hope is dead, and that’s when you realize how that’s basically what keeps you going.  So do you try to fool yourself into thinking it’s not, that its tangible and alive and breathing?  Or do you look for another thing to keep you going?